Archive: April, 2013

Dreams about You and Your Partner

Here is the scenario. Your partner appears in your dreams. You wonder what does this mean? In the dream is he or she with you, with another, loving, kind or not? Are you relating, talking, hugging, having sex? All of these various poses and life expressions mean something about what you need, are getting or not, desires met or not and what is happening psychologically and relationally between you and your partner as well as within yourself.

The dreams show what is occurring on the outside and equally the inside. Dreams are unusual, filled with symbols and come in a language not always easy to decipher. They are barometers for how you are feeling about your love relationship. Dreams do not lie and as truth tellers provide signs and signals along the way for uncovering our authentic self.

Now, we are often not the greatest when it comes to interpreting our own dreams. However, it is helpful to be open to dreams as a way of keeping us on the path of a healthy relationship. They are guides. They tell us what we need and even what we know but may not be listening. Therefore, they might escalate to nightmares or repeat themselves until they get our attention.

For example, sometimes people dream of their partner having an affair. This could be a real occurrence. It could be a symbolic one. As such, it could mean that the traits of the person our partner is with in the dream are ones we have ourselves. We might need reminders to get us closer to our total selves. In other words, the dreams can be helpful in expanding our personality.

Things often change from the inside. How we can get closer to our partner lies in the unconscious as well as in conscious behaviors and awareness we acquire. Dreams reveal how we are, who we are, things we know and do not know about ourselves. Sometimes they show us parts we do not want to acknowledge. However, knowing about these less glamorous aspects also helps us find a means of dealing with them, perhaps as revealed in the dream. Dreams are natural and are mirrors showing us parts we are not attending to. They bring us to a depth we might not otherwise explore.

So, the next dream you have about your partner, look at it literally and symbolically. It may be a metaphor for how things are internally and externally in the relationship. You can use the dream as a means of conversation with your partner. Work together to figure what it says. There is no right or wrong, just what feels on target to you as the dreamer and your partner. You can hear how each sees the other and the dream can be a guide into intimacy and understanding. The language of the dream is to take us more thoroughly into ourselves, our relationships with others and the world. No matter what dreams are saying, they can assist in the process of relating with fullness and honesty.

So before you go to bed, tell yourself to be open to the dream world and that you want to remember your dreams. Write them down and share them. See what happens.

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Relationship Ruptures and Repair

People at one point in a relationship never imagine that the unsaid issues will haunt them later on. They, we, all of us, just try to ignore the problems and go on. The popular phrase is ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’ but the real phrase is that it will come around and cannot be denied as it is important, whatever the issue. The damage to pushing things under the carpet cannot be minimized. It is to be taken seriously and at first signs addressed. Or, get help to learn to address the problems in communication, whether they seem shallow or deep-seated.

A couple came to my office with an issue going back 15 years. It related to how each interpreted the situation and both felt betrayed. They talked around it. First one and then the other brought up feelings. Each felt misunderstood or just not understood. Each was hurt, inconsolably it turned out.

Now, years later one wanted a divorce and the other agreed but hesitated. At issue was the power of their connection they both sensed and agreed upon that lay underneath it all. This connection had held them through these years of distress and when they came together made for a powerful bond. However, the rupture was equally powerful and now neither was sure they could or should repair the basic issues that they were used to ignoring. Life gets busy, someone has to go to the store, work, and assist the children with homework and so on. Life gets in the way of taking care of feelings and emotional reactions, or it can if both want to skirt the issue or do not know how to get into it.

So, they each asked what could they do now.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Sit down and talk together a few minutes each day. Be in a calm place, look at each other, cut down the distractions and be face to face.

2. Allow for the minutes together gradually increasing and being respectful when one or the other can go no further. Then make time to follow up and not drop the difficult topic.

3. Bring up some pleasant topics in the midst of the heavy ones.

4. Listen closely without defensiveness. It is a skill to learn to listen openly and without the guards up.

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